All you need to know about stuff that you didn’t need to know about in the first place.
Click Bait: noun, (on the Internet) content whose main purpose is to attract attention and encourage visitors to click on a link to a particular web page. (from Lexico.com)
I don’t know what you’ve been doing to fill the endless, quarantine-induced hours of the day but I’ve taken it upon myself to seek answers to the burning questions of our time. And because I’m on the computer all day, the most burning questions for me are those raised by the clickbait ads in the margins of the news sites I, for some reason, can’t stop visiting. These are questions like:
- What are the dos and don’ts that most wine buyers don’t know?
- What does Melania’s bedroom on Airforce [sic] One look like?
- And how can I properly flush my bowels every morning?
And since you probably fear clicking on these ads as much as I do (What if it gives me a virus? Or allows someone to hack my computer?), I decided to share the fruits of my ‘research’ with you in this newsletter.
So, for this inaugural issue, I’ve clicked on and read or watched the content behind six clickbait headlines. I’ve summarized what I found for you in the following paragraphs.
The One Thing All Cheaters Have In Common, Brace Yourself
TL;DR: There is no one thing cheaters all have in common or, if there is, it’s not mentioned on the page this ad took me to.
This ad connects to a very ordinary looking page of content. On that page in a simple block of text is a depressing litany of explanations and pseudoscience about cheating (e.g. “60% of married people cheat on their spouses”). The ‘article’ goes on to say that the internet is largely to blame for turning people into insatiable philanderers. But nowhere did it say anything about a single trait that all cheaters shared. I was disappointed.
But I did learn that there is a website and it’s called peoplewhiz.com. And you’re probably not surprised to learn it (purportedly) is able to tell you if your partner is cheating on you.
Legend Who Bought Apple at $1.42 Says Buy This Now
TL;DR: It’s not plastics, Benjamin, it’s Transportation as a Service.
The legend in this case is a guy named Whitney Tilson. He’s a long time finance, investor guy who currently runs a company called Empire Financial Research. The stocks he’s touting are various companies involved with TaaS, “Transportation as a Service”. (Not to be confused with “Testing as a Service,” “Token as a Service” or “Texas Assessment of Academic Skills.”)
His theory here is that the transportation industry as we know it is going to be radically changed in the next decade by automation and innovation. And Tilson has the info you need to get in on the ground floor. In Mr. Tilson’s own words: “This is not something that ‘might’ happen. It’s inevitable… 100% guaranteed to take place.” So apparently no risk at all.
To access this transformative information, you need to subscribe to the Empire Financial Research newsletter.
And you might want to know this as well (from the Wikipedia page about Tilson): “In 2003 the Securities & Exchange Commission ordered Tilson to pay 1.5 million dollars in restitution for defrauding public investors by disseminating false information in several Internet newsletters.”
Firefighters Rescuing A Litter Of Puppies Soon Find Out They Had Something Very Different
Firefighters get called to an emergency. They hear puppies whining. They find them in a sewage drain. They save the puppies. BUT… the puppies aren’t dogs… [drum roll] …. they’re baby Fox cubs, also known as ‘kits.’ And all I had to do to find this out was to click through around 45 vapid, agonizingly-slow-loading, single sentence, ad-filled pages.
Gut Doctor “I Beg Americans To Throw Out This Vegetable Now”
TL;DR: Your ‘gut flora’ are out of balance and Dr. Vincent Pedre wants to help. Buy his supplement to get your bacteria in shape.
Wow! This guy put together a really long video. The takeaway is that Corn, Soybeans, Canola Oil, Squash and Zucchini, and non-organic apples are often contaminated with Glyphosate (aka RoundUp) and are to be avoided. And, though he never says it explicitly in the video, I think it’s safe to assume that corn is the vegetable he’s begging you to throw out.
He also states that avocados, kiwi and watermelon are good. Don’t throw those out.
Also emulsifiers are bad. Examples of emulsifiers are: polysorbate 80, lecithin, carrageenan, polyglycerols, xanthan gum.
Also noteworthy are these three superfoods: chicory root, because it’s super high in fiber; therapeutic class probiotics, specially formulated ones, not the regular store bought kind; and the B Vitamin family, in other words all 8 types of B Vitamins.
The video goes on (and on, and on) to explain Dr. Pedre’s reasoning for why the aforementioned foods are bad, good or super. And how your personal microbiome (the bacteria in your digestive tract) is related to your health, weight and mental state.
And guess what? Dr. Pedre has a supplement that contains the perfect balance of all three superfoods. It’s called Synbiotic 365 and it will transform your life. Oh, and it can only be bought through his website.
How To Properly Empty Your Bowels Every Morning – Top Surgeon Explains How
TL;DR: We have little microtears in our intestines that cause all our maladies and we need a balanced supplement containing butyrate to solve this problem.
This click bait and other titles like it (e.g. “How to Clean Out Your Insides”) are the work of Dr. Steven Gundry and his company Gundry MDTM .
Dr. Gundry is also selling a supplement and, like Dr. Pedre, Dr. Gundry believes this supplement will solve a whole bunch of your health problems like obesity, heart disease, “brain fog” and the lack of properly emptied bowels.
Dr. Gundry’s ‘research’ has led him to conclude that lectins (proteins found in many foods) cause microtears in your intestines through which stuff leaks out. A malady called ‘leaky gut.’ If you have leaky gut, and Dr. Gundry seems to think we all do, little bits of semi-digested food and bacteria get into your bloodstream. Those things in your bloodstream cause many health issues, not least of which is ‘brain fog.’ Luckily he’s discovered that butyrate is a solution for this problem.
And Gundry MDTM happens to sell a supplement (actually a whole range of them) that contain butyrate and other problem solving ingredients.
Motley Fool Issues Rare “Home Run Buy” Alert
This is another stock teaser like the Legend one above. In this case the stock the Motley Fool is touting is The Trade Desk (symbol: TTD). It’s a digital ad delivery platform that appears to be well-placed to serve the streaming media providers. But, I have to think the secret is out on any stock promoted through clickbait.
Those are my click bait ‘reveals’ for this issue of the ClickBait Times. Be sure to lookout for the next issue where I might answer questions like:
- What should you do, immediately, if you have toenail fungus?
- How can you reduce sagging jowls?
- What are the 25 dying professions to avoid?